Am Wrong for being upset that my husband did not give me a 50th birthday party, yet he is planning a 30th birthday party for his favorite neice

by Deborah
(New Jersey)

I am furious and hurt at the same time. I celebrated my 50th birthday this year which is a milestone. My husband did not help me with the planning, organizing or anything involving my party, yet he decides that he wants to throw his niece a 30th birthday party. When he first mentioned it to me, I told him that I would be hurt because he did never planned anything for my birthday nor for any of our two adult children. He ignored my request and continued to plan the party for his niece behind my back.

Sept 24, 2011
Dealing With Your Husband
by: Kevin (Modern Manners and Etiquette)

Hmmm...where do I start with this one?

Let's start with the easiest part of this to begin with. If the party with the niece does happen, you still should go. Why? Because the problem here is not the niece. She didn't do anything (other than having a birthday, but we are all guilty of that) to you. If you do not attend the party, the niece will think you are angry at her, and it is not her fault. Skipping on the party is not the way to deal with your husband.

I might be reading into this a little bit, but my intuition tells me if he is fussing about his niece's birthday and didn't do anything for you or your children, then there is something strange about his relationship with the niece, but that is just me reading into something that might not be there.

Here is the deal: He has to understand how you feel and that cannot happen until there is open, honest communication. Your hurt feelings will not heal until this issue is resolved.

When you talk to him, you cannot threaten him, or threaten to not do certain things if he doesn't change. If you do that, then it becomes a confrontation and if it goes too far, it destroys the relationship further.

This is not about getting back at him or getting even. It is all about repairing the relationship by resolving the issue instead of making it go further. There is only one way to improve it and that is by an understanding between the two of you.

Our daughter celebrated her 30th birthday a few years ago and he did not plan anything for her. I feel as if he is always putting his family before he puts his own and am so upset that I said that I would purchase a gift for his niece who is a sweetheart, but I will not be in attendance. The reason being is the fact that it would hurt me too much to watch him fuss over her in my presence.

Please advise me on the proper thing to do.